she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We need to rekindle our bromance
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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