just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
