I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
