I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
