I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
