I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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