I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
