I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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