That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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