I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
