btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
