omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
