I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
