Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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