The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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