She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
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We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
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That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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