I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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