I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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