chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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