The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
