I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
