remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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