you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
