apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
