He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So much Jack, so little girl.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
