she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think my vagina is haunted
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
