I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
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I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
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Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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