I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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