Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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