i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
