sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
