It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
