Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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