dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
