Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The adults are the big ones right?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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