I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
