omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you had me at cake vodka
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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