Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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