yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
