Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm at about main and main street
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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