some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
