he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
