He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
