Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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