I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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