I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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