Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
