having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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