There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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