I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I fill condoms, not promises.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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