As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
