My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
